. This has been published  in the winter/ spring 2011 of savior flair magazine   http://issuu.com/kpmedia/docs/11sfws

How to find the perfect partner….

This is a life long journey that takes us far away from here. First we have to admit that there is no perfect person for you. Only a person that is perfectly imperfect, like you to coexist with. How do you know who that is? The better question to ask yourself is …. What kind of relationship do I want? What do I want in a partner? How do we find our soul mate to share our life with?

Here is the formula… The power of intention. ( There is a great book by that name by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer that could further the concept.) The formula I am about to disclose is self motivated and you really have to dig deep within yourself. First you have to find one hundred qualities that you want in a life partner, in a relationship. With each characteristic you shape and mold your future.

For me, I had many unsuccessful relationships that were unfulfilled, I had settled with people that were far different than I. . I tried so hard to make it work like a self fulfilling prophecy You can only try so hard. You both have to know what you want and know yourself before you can really invest in something tangible. About twenty five qualities I had written down I gave up and put it aside. It was a half hearted intent and I discovered a half hearted relationship. When it was over I spent some time getting to know me, I did everything I could to better myself from school to the gym. Then I went back to my list. It was a challenge, I had never really thought about it. I wrote it all down, everything I could think of at the same time keeping myself open for new experiences: I wanted someone who could be a parent partner, who loves to go out and dance, but not go out every week. I need someone who could go to shows and festivals but wasn’t an addict, educated but not snobby, they needed to be a healer and environmentally friendly. Yes, I got really specific. I needed someone who was on the same wavelength as I spiritually. A hundred, I found a hundred qualities that I needed to be fulfilled that I could define now.

There are so many options for finding ‘the right one’ in this world. We are so fortunate in this area where we are free to be who we are, for the most part. The resources for dating are numerous, and there are so many more opportunities now than there ever were. Especially if you are doing what you love to do.

I stopped at my favorite coffee shop The Siren in Greenfield and asked the owners Drae and Sarah how they found each other. Drae lights up and smiles her mischievous grin and says “At a coffee shop!” Where else! She also said that there were four success stories about people who had met at the siren this past year alone.

I worked in a few coffee shops. I think that they are some of the most romantic places to be. There is such a wide variety of people who walk through those doors. You get people who are dating for the first time and those who have been together forever. Poets sit and watch love grow while musicians compose.

My family and I did the safe passage hot chocolate run this year. This is a fund raiser to help domestic violence survivors get back on their feet. Walking two miles in the brisk December morning I had time to ask some Questions. Here’s what Eve, who is pregnant with her first baby, glowing bright and dressed very colorful said about her partnership with Michelle.” You have to be on the same wavelength. If I want to go to the grand canyon and she wants to sit home in front of the fire than it won’t work. You have to know what each other wants and know where you want to be in life.”

An anonymous tip chimed in and said that they would sleep on it. Which led to another discussion on should you or shouldn’t you wait to sleep with someone before you commit. Most people I had talked to had a story of waiting only to be disappointed before the morning sun arose. I do. After investing so much time into a relationship then that moment comes when you share your body and soul with someone only to discover that there is no chemistry. Or that they lack the compassion you need to feel safe. If there is no passion once those lips meet than it won’t ever work…. even if you sleep with them. Red flags would wave in front of my face when I didn’t look for those signals or had ignored them. I always regretted it.

Here are a few success stories about those who waited. Gerry who just moved to Nashville said “ We were working together on a senior thesis project… By the end of the semester the relationship had bloomed into something bigger, and we started dating.” They have been together for 13 years now and waited five before making it official with a grand wedding. They just had their first baby. “Communication….  Too many people think the relationship is strong enough to withstand personal sacrifice of each person, but it often isn’t. There is always negotiation and consideration in a relationship, and one person’s immediate goals may need to be put on hold a bit for the relationship to survive and grow. However, both people should discuss their individual goals and dreams openly and honestly. This way you know whether the relationship is taking you where you both want to be as a couple, and individually, or whether it is taking you off try. For me, I knew I found the one when my first thought in the morning and last thought at night is of that person.  When I wanted to spend every minute of the day with him . When you stop thinking about your own needs and start worrying about whether the other person is having their needs met. To be connected means that you know each other so well you can finish each other’s sentences, almost like you know what they are thinking. It also means you can read body language.  Even though things go unsaid, you can pick up on your partner’s mood, and what they’re trying to tell you, without actually speaking.”

Nanci has been with her partner for 5 years. When I asked her thought’s her eye’s lit up and said it has gone by so fast she can’t even believe it. They just adopted two beautiful kids, bought a house and are living a very abundant life. They met through working together, they new each other for a while, passing files back and forth through the office. When they met up at a dance party one night and discovered that they were both single they started dating. Watching these two I have restored hope in life. They work together in perfect harmony, delegating tasks with glances and discussing kids before making decisions. Handling the stress with a whisper of grace. This is truly inspiring.

On line dating seems to be the thing now. Putting yourself out there to the Universe in your query or your profile. Don’t be afraid of who you are and what you want in life. Start by telling the truth, a relationship started with a lie will never last. It is your life and you want to love it for real, not love the lie. Lies dissipate and are hard to keep. This is first impression that you are giving to a potential lover or as you surf around you want your heart chakra to open when you see your dreams reveled.

Kelly and Jesse of Greenfield have been Married for 3 years and they met on a online dating site. “You just put your info in and find someone who has the same desires in life as you and you start talking or not, if your not interested. It’s the easiest way to meet someone if you don’t frequent the bars anymore.”

This is so much different than the casual chat at the bar, this was more serious and focused. You know everyone has a purpose for being there, a intention was set. They have the same mission as you and they don’t want to stop until they have found a ‘match’. Authentic conversations leads to an interconnection that is real and tangible. You for go love at first sight through words and pictures online. Meet in a public place the first few times until you feel comfortable and safe.

When I talked to a few fellow writers about my article of ‘Finding a perfect partner’ They opened my heart with a whole new perspective into this journey. Nicholas from Boston told me ”There is no perfect partner. That saying leaves nothing to be desired. You fall in love, not with a gender, just because there is a chemistry” That was my sentiment too. I asked him how long he had stayed with his lover and how? “17 years we were together” till death do you part. “ You have to want to be together. You have to really love each other. You have to want to try. Than before you know it you are just so busy juggling life, time accumulates into days and then years. “

” Kismet. The stars were in the right place. I was 29 years old just out of a relationship and wanted to go dance. Just dance. I had no intentions of finding anyone in a bar. There I was out in Boston at a mens club and I was approached by a guy who asked me to buy him a beer. I only had two dollars in my pocket and I really didn’t want to share it with him but I had a feeling. We were together every day from that night forward until he died 17 years later. When it came to our sexual aspect of life, we just did it when we wanted. Have sex- sex- no sex here or there. That wasn’t the main part of our life. We did love to dance together. “ His partner died two weeks before Massachusetts passed the same sex marriage right.

Mark Adams who does the Video column for this magazine and his partner Billy from Boston have been together for ‘ 20 long argumentative years.’ He tells me with a laugh “You need to have a sense of humor to get through the bad spots.” They met before the Internet, he put an add into a paper and Billy replied. They got married the year that gay marriages became legal. There were so many advantages to doing this and we weren’t going anywhere. He tells me his secret ” I think the biggest thing is individuals need their own space. Couples change over the years and you have to adapt with it. There is less to keep a gay couple together unless you have kids.” Though I find that with kids it is one of the things that my partner and I fight about. “ We have a dog… I couldn’t leave the dog, what a mess that would be. Who would get custody?”

I thought of this couple that I had worked for years ago, Michael Collins and Pacifico “Tony” Palumbo. They have been together for forty seven years. I went to their pizza shop/ gallery to interview them in the center of Colraine Ma. at an old church named the Green Emporium. The steeple glowed a green and the 3d larger than life pyramid lit up the dark quiet town on this winter night. Inside this transformed place of worship it was decorated in the most eclectic of ways. There is a series oil paintings on the walls that Tony had made of his family from Italy soon to be hanging on the walls of the Italian American Museum. Tony contemplated my questions. ” You have to really care about someone. Understand them. When it comes to us, we are creative people for me it is art, for him it is food. I give him my input because I like food. We appreciate each other. Tell each other the truth. When it comes to art, he is one of my severest critics he is also good at giving me input for ideas, stimulus. It helps us to grow as people. Its a plus for both of us…Distance.. we both have different interests so that helps too. I love to garden, he loves to do the inside work we learned along the way…” They met at a party in New York. Tony had been sick for a while and this was his first party in months. Micheal had just gotten back from St.Thomas he was looking good. Micheal kept running after Tony who was apprehensive at first and then gave in. He liked him, but had just gotten out of a relationship and didn’t want to get involved.

Micheal came in and sat down with us. His eye alive, well established and ready for a busy night. They finish each others sentences as we progress. He tells me “Honesty is the most important priority for him. You have to take the chance when you find them, you just know when you look at them that there is something there. You have to go out and do stuff that you are interested in I was at a party when I discovered him.”

“ You have to argue, fight…Getting out your feelings about things. In other words, we don’t just go along with what the other person wants. Sometimes you have to argue to get your point across. Thats the point of life! It is to be more of who you are. You are not blending as much as you are being yourself” In a relationship you should be safe to be who you really are. “ Then there is the similarities of why you came together and that is why you like the other person. We both have the gift of visualization of seeing things for our future. We are both on the same lines spiritually , we were brought up catholic but we are more spiritual now. We had been together for a long time and wanted to make a long term commitment. When we got married we had a Unitarian and Anglican priest and a Rabbi. It was a way to celebrate our diversity…. There was an incident where someone had gratified on our house. It was horrible, a bunch of kids on alcohol. Different people in the town, some we didn’t even know came to us and offered condolences and to help. The rabbi was instrumental in going to the town officials and asked them to sign a no tolerance law. The Rabbi was there for us.

I consulted with the wise wisdom of my facebook friends… I asked what they thought about finding the perfect person:

Sue from Greenfield has been with her partner for five years says “I believe the universe will provide, but u have 2 b willing to b true to your self out there and remember not to b scared of letting people in”

Vickie Hutch “There is no perfect partner, we need challenges or we stagnate and what fun would that be? Common values, respect for yourself, others, the world, the ability to agree to disagree with respect and that said loving yourself enough to make a commitment that goes beyond the petty day-to day crap we can all get bogged down in.”

Raelyn Rice“well first yuh have to go through the ones yuh cant live wit to find the one yuh can live without…”

SaraRay says “Wanting each other more than anything else. Choosing together the same future, day after day. Creating a family, and building upon the solid foundation that is your relationship. Remembering always, that you are responsible for your own happiness, that you can not change another’s behavior, only your reaction to it. Honoring and acknowledging all that your loved one does that you adore and appreciate instead of focusing upon the little irritants or disappointments.”

Amy Bovaird “learning to communicate in the way that works for your partner- rather than sticking to your own style of communication… this has made all the difference in my life. But it isn’t easy!”

Kerri wrote: “I have been with my partner for 10 years and she was my total opposite, so I guess we balance each other out. A relationship is like falling in and out of love with the same person over and over again. “

Miss April “ I know I found the one because no matter how many times Ive seen him in one day, whenever he walks in the room: I lose my breathe and think to myself, “Ahh finally. Thats my darlin” . LOVE can be sooo great.”

You can find your soul mate anywhere, waiting in line, at the grocery store, through friends, work at coffee shops. The possibilities are endless. First you have to find yourself and what makes you happy. If it doesn’t work out just keep thriving, growing and learning each day serving your earth and making your world better. Stay open minded and really listen to what is going on around you looking for those opportunities. When you take that leap communication is the one thing that keeps the eternal fire’s burning.